Friday 5 October 2007

Week 17 - Three fenced off portaloos

Imagine having diarrhoea in one of these things - right in the centre of Liverpool, in a sea of building rubble, surrounded by traffic noise and annoying Greek tourists in stupid sunglasses (trust me, they're only just out of shot). That would be a moment to really re-evaluate some of your life choices, don't you think? Maybe your mother was right? Maybe you didn't pay enough attention at school? Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to work in an office at some crappy desk job? Maybe you shouldn't have eaten that second scotch egg? Now imagine there's no toilet paper.


Sunday 23 September 2007

Week 16 - Five cones round a paving stone

One is struck by the sense that there is an awful lot of cone here in proportion to the amount of pavement which is being coned. Life's like that though sometimes - a whole lot of cone and not much pavement.


Tuesday 28 August 2007

Week 15 - Crap on a tap

I found this weird green crap growing on the end of a tap in the disabled toilets at work. After I'd finished doing my business I just stood there for about five minutes with my pants undone wondering what it could be. Some kind of mould, perhaps? Rotting faecal matter? Moss? In the end I decided it was probably just snot.


Friday 17 August 2007

Week 14 - Frozen beer bottle

STEP 1 - Go to supermarket.
STEP 2 - Buy beer.
STEP 3 - Take beer home.
STEP 4 - Beer too warm. Put beer in freezer.
STEP 5 - Forget about beer and fall asleep on couch.
STEP 6 - Find beer 42 hours later.
STEP 7 - Lose will to live.


Sunday 29 July 2007

Week 13 - Dandelion growing by a wall

If, like me, you have a crappy patch of lumpy, weed-strewn lawn attached to your property, you've probably had to face this troubling ethical dilemna: do dandelions deserve to die?

THE CASE FOR THE DEFENCE - "The root of the dandelion plant is believed to have mild laxative effects and is often used to improve digestion. Research suggests that dandelion root may improve the health and function of natural bacteria in the gastrointestinal tract. Studies have also reported that dandelion root may help improve liver and gallbladder function."

THE CASE FOR THE PROSECUTION - "Hippies use them to make wine."


Sunday 22 July 2007

Week 12 - Toilet bowl (with toilet cleaner)

Just look at the pretty patterns. You know, my mother used to say that life was like a partially cleaned toilet - there's always some more shit hiding round the bend. Dentists recommend that you change your toilet brush every three months, but I also want to stress to you all just how important it is to get right under the rim - not just when you're cleaning a toilet, but in life generally.

Sunday 15 July 2007

Week 11 - Dead plant on a bookshelf

When I saw the state of this plant I nearly called the Samaritans. My God, what a depressing sight. My officemate had this defenceless piece of greenery on her shelf for four days before she killed it. I've never seen a cyclamen fall off the perch in that kind of timescale before. How the hell did she manage it? I have no idea but the really worrying thing is that she's now pregnant. I've already got social services on speed dial.